"You shouldn't have to experience this."

The words just blurted out of my mouth. A customer had called, upset about receiving the wrong item. I saw past their anger and empathized with the inconvenience it was causing them.

"I'm really sorry about the mistake. We need to do better. I'm going to make sure we send you the correct item."

Then, something mysterious happened.

The customer instantly went from red to green. Their frustration evaporated and suddenly they were trying to comfort me!

"It's okay," the customer said. "These things happen. I really appreciate your help."

I had just discovered the magic of a real, heartfelt apology. And this wasn't a one-time fluke. The technique worked again and again. Customers calmed down and became more cooperative nearly every time I sincerely apologized.

Here's the science behind a great apology and how you can offer a great one, too.

Why do we apologize to customers?

The ultimate goal of an apology is to earn your customer's forgiveness. It's best used in situations where you made a mistake or your company broke a promise and you’re apologizing on behalf of your organization.

What if you or your company is clearly not at fault?

In those cases, a healthy dose of empathy is warranted, but not an apology. (See my guide to building your empathy super powers.)

However, beware of the murky gray area where the customer holds you or your company responsible, even if you don't believe you caused the issue.

It might be wise to seek forgiveness in those situations, too.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines forgiveness as the act of forgiving, which is "to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)."

In a study on forgiveness, authors Michael E. McCullough, Steven J. Sandage, and Everett L. Worthington Jr. take this further by suggesting three specific goals when seeking forgiveness.

Forgiveness occurs when the injured party is:

1. Less motivated to retaliate.

2. Less motivated to remain estranged.

3. More motivated to reconcile.

All of these are incredibly important in customer service.

Angry customers find ways to retaliate against companies, even if they don't leave for a competitor. Here are a few examples:

• Negative online reviews (Yelp, Google, etc.)

• Negative social media posts (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc.)

• Sharing negative stories with family and friends.

• Spending less money.

• Stop buying certain products or services.

Estranged customers leave your company and don't come back, while customers who are motivated to reconcile are willing to give your business another chance.

How can an apology lead to forgiveness?

Service failures can cause customers to experience negative emotions. Apologies help soothe negative feelings and make customers more open to conciliatory gestures.

Small issues, such as a minor delay, might not cause any tangible damage, but they can still hurt a customer's pride. An apology can help restore a customer's self-esteem. Strangely, thanking the customer can work even better.

Larger issues or repeated service failures can lead to something psychologists call emotional hijacking. When this occurs, a customer's strong negative emotions make it difficult for them to think clearly.

Emotional hijacking can create several challenges.

• Customers can become more judgmental.

• They're less open to your ideas for resolving the issue.

• Sometimes, they just rage and trigger your fight or flight instinct.

Apologies do a number of things to help a customer feel better:

1. They convey empathy by validating the customer's negative emotions.

2. They restore a customer's self-esteem by signaling remorse.

3. They renew a customer's confidence when you take responsibility.

They also do one more thing that's essential to forgiveness.

In their forgiveness study, McCullough, Sandage, and Worthington Jr. found that apologies help the injured party feel empathy and compassion towards the person (or company) that wronged them.

That's exactly what happened when I apologized so profusely to a customer for the incorrect shipment. The apology caused them to empathize with me!

What makes a good apology?

Beverly Engel, author of The Power of Apology, suggests apologies contain three elements:

1. Regret

2. Responsibility

3. Remedy

I accidentally stumbled upon that model when I apologized to the customer over a shipping error.

• Regret: "You shouldn't have to experience this. I’m really sorry about the mistake."

• Responsibility: "We need to do better."

• Remedy: "I'm going to make sure we send you the correct item."

Apologies must also be sincere.

Customer service writing expert, Leslie O'Flahavan, cautions against making "nonpologies." These are insincere statements such as "We regret any inconvenience this may have caused."

O'Flahavan suggests being much more direct when apologizing. For example, you might tell a customer experiencing a billing issue, "I'm sorry you've had to spend time trying to resolve this problem."

Conclusion

Apologizing is an important skill for customer service professionals. We're there to help customers feel better when things go wrong and it's our job to seek forgiveness on behalf of the company we represent.

This short video shows you an example of what a good apology looks like in action.