Ugly babies are my customer service kryptonite.

No, not actual human babies. An "ugly baby" is a metaphor for an idea, project, product, or anything else that someone is really proud of, but isn't terrific.

For example, a lot of people send me the customer experience vision statements their companies create. It's an honor because vision statements are my thing.

Some are great, some are good, and some are objectively terrible.

It's the terrible ones I struggle with. The person sending it often expects praise and validation, not unvarnished feedback. Sometimes, the truth just comes out.

I've found myself saying, metaphorically of course, "Yowza! That sure is one ugly baby!" before I could catch myself and say something more tactful. Not a great moment.

So I decided to crowdsource this one. I posted my dilemma on LinkedIn and got some terrific advice for handling what I call a “level three” ugly baby problem. Here's what I learned.

This is an adorable baby. You try finding stock images of ugly babies. It’s not easy.

What is a "level three" ugly baby problem?

In my LinkedIn post, I wrote that I believe there are three levels to the ugly baby problem.

Level one is an ugly baby that you observe from afar.

This could be something about the client you observe, but the client hasn't asked for your input on. The simplest solution is usually to just ignore it.

Level two is an ugly baby that's presented to you.

There's a certain expectation that you admire the baby, but the client isn't really looking for feedback. I often default to making an accurate statement that avoids the baby's obvious aesthetic challenges. For example, "It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into this project!"

Level three is when a client asks you to vote for their ugly baby in a "World's Most Beautiful Baby" contest. Or give feedback. Either way, it’s difficult because your client thinks their baby is adorable and wants you to validate this.

How to tactfully respond to an ugly baby

Kaye Chapman, Learning & Development Manager at Comm100, recommends leading with empathy.

"I think sometimes people think being candid means you have to be a bit brutal and trample on people. But there's usually a way through as long as you're empathetic and respectful."

Chapman suggests acknowledging your client's obvious pride while making it clear your constructive feedback is based on your own perceptions.

For instance, you might start off by saying, "I know how important this is to you. There are a few changes that would make it resonate more clearly with me."

Customer service writing expert, Leslie O'Flahavan, suggests the strength of the relationship with your client should play a role in how you respond.

"If we usually agree on which babies are cute/ugly, but they are blindly in love with this particular ugly baby, I'd do my best to explain my objections diplomatically and courteously. Doing so is an investment in our relationship. It demonstrates trust that we can disagree without causing a permanent break."

O'Flahavan is on to something.

I don't experience ugly baby problems with trusted clients I've known for a long time. They usually do great work and I find it easy to tactfully provide constructive feedback when I see an opportunity for improvement. An ugly baby challenge typically occurs in a new relationship or when we haven't been on the same page in previous interactions.

Jenny Dempsey, Customer Experience Manager at FruitStand, suggests asking a lot of questions before sharing any feedback.

"If someone presents something to me that is frightful in my eyes, I ask them lots of questions to understand their view point. Then, I'll usually ask if they are open to feedback and share more factual data or insight that might support them toward another direction."

This approach can be very helpful.

One of the steps in my vision writing process is to use three questions to evaluate a draft vision statement. I've had success helping a client use the three questions to self-evaluate their new vision:

Is it simple and easily understood?
Is it focused on customers?
Does it reflect both who you are now and who you aspire to be in the future?

These questions have often helped a client discover the truth on their own.

Take action

A mentor once told me, "Never make a client feel dumb."

Her words have stuck with me for many years. Pointing out the flaws in someone's ugly baby project is a way of making a client feel dumb if you don't share your feedback tactfully.

Keep an eye out for your next ugly baby challenge. Remember that your client might not see the flaws that you find so obvious.

Try not to make them feel dumb.

The feedback session wasn't going well.

A contact center supervisor was reviewing a call with an agent where the agent's lack of friendliness seemed obvious. She had replied to the customer's questions in a monotone voice with short, clipped responses, and didn't acknowledge the customer's frustration.

The agent's response was to the supervisor's coaching was to flatly disagree. "Well," said the agent, "that's friendly for me."

Customer service leaders often face this dilemma. How do you get employees to embrace feedback, when they don't agree their performance needs to improve?

I was lucky to have a mentor show me a technique that works.

A defensive employee argues with his boss.

Step 1: Identify Observable Behavior

One of the challenges faced by the supervisor is that friendliness is surprisingly difficult to define. You might know friendliness when you see it, but describing it isn't so easy.

The supervisor couldn't explain what exactly the employee was doing wrong or what specifically she needed to do to improve. "You weren't friendly," was ultimately a subjective assessment.

Leaders often struggle getting employees onboard with murky concepts like friendliness.

My boss, Debbi, was a mentor to me when I supervised a contact center training department many years ago. She taught me to overcome this challenge by focusing on observable behavior. These are behaviors you can actually see, rather than inferences.

For example, let's go back to friendliness. What specific behaviors did the agent display that led the supervisor to conclude the agent wasn't being friendly?

Monotone voice
Short, clipped responses
Did not acknowledge the customer's frustration

So what does friendly look like? Here's an experiment you can try. Observe an employee you know is being friendly. Try to identify the specific behaviors they display that tell you they are friendly.

You can see an example in this short video. Skip ahead if you’d like to 1:20 to see a poor example and then a good example at 1:58.

Develop the perfect phone greeting from Phone-Based Customer Service by Jeff Toister

Step 2: Check Your Intent

Your intent in a feedback conversation is critical to getting that surly employee onboard.

The supervisor's intent with the unfriendly contact center agent was to get the employee to acknowledge she hadn't been friendly. Ultimately, the supervisor hoped the agent would accept being marked down on the quality monitoring form that was used to evaluate agent performance.

That feels pretty adversarial. And right or wrong, it's human nature to get defensive when confronted by an adversary.

I once made the mistake of confronting an employee about her bad attitude. She immediately became defensive and it didn't go well. That's because my intent was to get her to accept that she had a bad attitude.

My mentor, Debbi, gave me some advice that helped me change my intent with this employee. I started my next meeting with the employee by explaining that five different people had complained about working with her, and I wanted to work together to help her change that perception.

This time, I didn't try to get my employee to admit she was wrong. We focused instead on identifying specific behaviors she needed to display to convince colleagues she didn't have a bad attitude. It was still a difficult conversation, but we were now on the same side.

The next time you want to give an employee feedback, make sure your intent is to help them deliver a great performance the next time.

Step 3: Provide a Good Example

People can still disagree despite the best of intentions and seemingly clear, observable behavior. This makes it important to have an example of what good performance looks like.

There are a few ways you can do this.

One way is to share a visual. For instance, a chain of pizza restaurants has a poster showing two employees standing side-by-side. One is wearing their uniform correctly, while the other is not. This makes it easier to see what a "good" uniform presentation should look like.

Supervisors can also demonstrate the expected behavior. A hospitality manager who wanted his employees to give friendly greetings had employees observe him greet several guests.

Still another approach is to use your employee's past performance as a model. The contact center supervisor could have found a previous call where the agent was friendly, and played them for the agent back-to-back so she would better understand the difference between the two.

Debbi consistently coached me to set a positive example for my employees. So when I made suggestions to help an employee convince colleagues she didn’t have a “bad attitude,” I could show her examples of what I was looking for.

Take Action

Okay, here's the caveat.

These steps won't work 100 percent of the time. Some employees just aren't open to feedback, no matter how you approach them. In those cases, a poor performer should be told to improve or move on to another position.

Yet I've found that most employees will improve if you approach them the right way. My “bad attitude” employee made the adjustments she needed to make and completely changed how her colleagues perceived her. I made sure to acknowledge her progress and continued to communicate that I was on her side.